Gay service straight

Posted June 27, Reviewed by Gary Drevitch. I recently finished reading Dr. This all got me thinking about my own friendships and those of my gay male clients. The bonds between gay men and straight women have been written about and featured in popular media i. Sex in the City, Will and Gracethough a lot less has been said about how gay and straight men recognize and negotiate the distinct challenges, complications, and gay of their friendships.

According to Garfield, among the many obstacles to male-male platonic intimacyfear of homosexuality looms large. Straight men fret that if they get too close, others will see them as gay; which in their minds means feminine horrors! Perhaps even scarier is that their emotional connections will somehow morph into sexual attraction.

Interestingly, in the U. But then, in the U. As a result of this behavior-identity link, sexual congress between gay and straight men decreased considerably, or at least went underground. Gay men have suffered physical, social, and psychological abuse at the hands of heterosexually identified males who, thanks to homophobia and heterosexism, felt fully justified in inflicting these terrors.

Further, male sexuality has traditionally been viewed as service and uncontrollable, which some men have used to rationalize the sexual harassment and assault of women. Stories, both real and fictitious, about prison rape among male inmates further reinforce the myth that men are unable to rein in their aggressive sexual tendencies.

Gay Men and Straight Men as Friends

So it's no wonder hetero men would fear homosexuality and gay men in particular. This legacy of violence, both physical and psychological, inflicted by straight men toward those of us who are gay naturally fuels our caution and distrust at the thought of befriending them. In his book, Garfield describes the stiff hugs he would receive from a gay friend.

Fortunately, Garfield is all about talking such things out—good medicine for those among us who are the strong, silent, swallow-your-feelings-until-you-die-of-a-heart-attack type of guys. As it turns out, the gay friend worried that if he hugged too closely his friend would think he was coming on to him. I realized I was doing everything I could to keep my genital area from touching his body.

However, my partial embrace left my friend feeling as if I were withholding emotionally. After discussing this, we now fully hug. I am reassured he will not misinterpret any contact between our lower bodies, and he understands my need for this reassurance. Few things can be a straight soothing balm for us gay guys than a close friendship with a heterosexual man.

Acceptance and, yes, love, from a guy who is not interested in us sexually but accepts our sexuality can begin to heal the gay we have experienced from our fathers, bullying peers, and society at large. For the straight guy, friendship with a gay man offers the opportunity to learn important lessons about masculinity, male identity, sexual orientationand diversity.

Thus there is significant payoff for both parties. But how do we service with the possible sexual tensions that might come up?